A Noob’s Adventures in SL – Penis Shopping.

So I’ve been a noob before – plenty of times. Noob in a chatroom: “What, doesn’t anyone talk in the AFK room?” Noob in a online role playing game: “Why shouldn’t I go into that room with 100s of bad guys solo at level 10?” Now I find myself as a Noob in SL.

Being a Noob in SL is so much different then the other places where I’ve been a Noob, if for no other reason than the fact that you can buy a penis! Fortunately for me, I’ve got somebody to show me a few of the ropes. She enjoys watching me flounder a bit, and really, what fun is learning a new place without a bit of trial and noobie error.

I found it odd when my friend told me that I’d have to purchase a penis. I mean really, I rezzed in the starting area as a dude right? Shouldn’t I have come already equipped with a schlong? Oh no, and she explained further that, much to my disappointment, I was indeed a “Ken doll” and would need to buy some enhancements to denoobify myself.

I exchanged a fair bit of green for SL dollars and was ready to go shopping. Being that my friend is a woman (yes I have verification of this, a completely different noob story there) she didn’t take me penis shopping straight away. She figured there were much more important things I needed than to soothe my dismay at my newfound Ken doll status. Or more likely she was getting more than a few laughs at my discomfort with my neuteredness. Poses and clothing were the order of the day for my first couple of forays out into the huge world that is SL.

At one juncture, I found myself teasing her over something and she curtly replied.. “Keep it up, and we’ll find you a Freenis!”

“Freenis?” I asked.

“Free penis.”

Hmm I probably don’t want to know what sort of tackle I’d end up with there.

Being a guy, I wanted to un-Ken-doll myself and so while she wasn’t looking, I went out penis shopping on my own. Not too terribly hard really (pun intended) just search: Penis. It would seem that unlike RL, typing penis into the search engine on SL isn’t quite as hazardous as it would be if you, oh say, typed it into google. But it’s close.

Penis search results, 2980 pages.

Three of the first four of those search results being pages of penis, penis, penis… One of the four however looked like a vendor and it led me to a decent looking, out of the way, penis store. The store offered one schlong and it seemed like an okay piece of equipment. Not too short or long. It looked like a dick, and once I’d recovered from the fact that I was standing in a store looking at a phallus, I bought it.

Later that day when my friend logged on, I proudly proclaimed that I had a cock, and now I just needed to learn out to use it.

“Is it attached?” she asked.

“Um, you have to attach it?”

Being that we were having this conversation over IM from different locations in SL, I quickly went to find my penis in my inventory, and attached it. While I was in the process of figuring out if I’d attached it correctly a message came through.

“You’re not standing in the street with your dong hanging out are you?”

Lo and behold I was. Being that my new cock didn’t seem to have any menu options, I quickly detached it and put it back in my inventory. Alas, a Ken doll once again.

The day led on into a shopping and exploring excursion. Eventually we found ourselves at Karnal Rage. My friend knew the proprietor. After introductions, we all chatted for a bit, after they helped me figure out how to not make my hands do typing gestures in the air. As the banter about my noobness came up eventually we got around to the subject of my penis.

“I’m going to take him to get a Freenis!” my friend explained.

“Take him to Lotus,” advised her friend.

“I was going to, but he went out and got his own wanker.”

Mikhail, from Karnal Rage, was an extremely gracious and generous host, and it was nice to see that within a couple of days on SL, I’d made a new friend.

The next day, I logged on and wandered about a bit, seeing the sights, playing with buttons, shopping for clothes. I noticed my Noob helper/torturer/friend was online and we began to chat. Out of the blue a teleport come up, and I found myself at Lotus, which is quite the upscale penis shop. I appeared, and there was my friend gazing at the display of a very nice, realistic looking, quite erect cock. I smiled an rueful smile as I found myself yet again in a phallus shop, staring at yet another cock, though albeit a much better rendered one, and that this time, I was discussing its attributes in a clinical fashion with my female friend.

“So what do you think of this one?” she asked.

“I like the texture, the rendering is very nice, it’s quite realistic, I think it’s a good one,” I replied.

Upon that recommendation, I clicked purchase. Seeing that there was a gold enhancement package available, I queried her as to whether I should get one of those as well. She responded with “definitely!”, and I plunked down the extra dough for the gold package, hoping that that didn’t mean I’d end up with a gold plated woody in the end.

“Woot, I’ve got a penis, now hopefully I can get you to show me how to use it. I suppose it’s considered bad form to attach and check out your newly purchased cock right here in the store eh?”

“Yes, indeed that’s rude. We really have to get you a place.”

My friend disappeared, and I soon received another teleport, and found myself at her home.

“Okay, now you can try it here.” After clicking attach, and then fumbling with the camera angle I found myself standing there with a schlong hanging limply from my fly.

“Click on it” she said.

Clicking on it, I found the menu of options, and after playing with each in turn, minus peeing, cause that’s just not cool to do on somebody’s bedroom floor, I found myself quite happily a whole man in SL. A whole Noob man granted.

Review:

The Lotus penis is a very nice piece of work. It comes with four sizes – show off, modest, proud and standard. After reviewing the options with my friend, she and I both agreed that standard was pretty much a decent size and shape, and over all not to obscene, and less likely to poke the back of a female avatar’s head out. The graphics of the phallus showed up well on my computer (Macbook pro). It renders very nicely, and looks quite realistic. The controls are easy for even a Noob like me to operate and again, there are many options, such as flacid, erect, soft (semi erect), hard, come and pee. There are two optional packages that are available for this model. I purchased the gold package, though I haven’t had the chance to play with it yet (stop laughing you!)

Overall if you’re shopping for that perfect male accessory, I’m thinking you can’t go wrong with the Lotus.

*Twisted Barrowstone or Twisty as he’s known amongst fine purveryors of prim penises, is a writer, Gorean combatant, self-proclaimed world class cyberfucker and all around Ken doll slinking round the grid as our Noob on the Town. His biggest role however, is the one of Jordy’s beotch and kisser of her boot.

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